‘How do I familiarise better with potential spouse when he doesn’t put enough effort?’

Dear Haya,

I’ve been introduced to someone by my family with the prospect of marriage. We’re just getting to know each other at this very initial stage.

We’re sharing with one another about our likes and dislikes, but through this process I’ve noticed that I’m the one who’s sharing more and getting to know a lot less about this person in return. I’m not being suspicious, but it’s just a strange feeling when I’m the one divulging every single detail about myself, while the other person is not making enough effort or seems less involved in the process.

I’m just worried whether this behaviour is weird or is it just me overthinking. I want to know this person well, so that our future together is built on being familiar with one another’s likes and dislikes, and respecting the differences.

How can I get to know more about him, while he tries to step back during conversations?

— Worried anon

Dear worried anon,

Thanks for sharing a very valuable query that could benefit many.

First of all, it’s completely valid to want to know someone on a deeper level, especially when the prospect of marriage is involved. It shows your investment in building a meaningful and balanced relationship.

Before we explore your query deeper, I’d like to highlight some foundation blocks of a relationship that are absolutely critical at the initial stages. Knowing this will aid you to assess your relationship better.

When we’re getting to know someone, there are some key markers, that are incredibly important to have. Primarily, curiosity and consistency.

Curiosity is an integral quality to have when two people are getting to know one another. It’s about having a genuine interest in one another — where they’re curious about you, and you’re curious about them. Are they present, engaged, and interested in learning more? And just as importantly, are you curious about them?

Do you find that your connection deepens the more you open up to each other? With more vulnerability, is your relationship progressing? Or is not progressing and revealing something else?

These are some key markers to look out for at the initial stages of a relationship.

Now let’s dive into your query.

I hear you saying that a sense of curiosity feels missing in your current dynamic and I invite you to take a moment to self-reflect on a few things.

When you mention that you’re the one sharing more, I’m curious — do you share when asked or do you share without being asked? When you say you’re getting to know less about him, how does that make you feel? What it might be like to allow space for him to be curious about you instead?

You’ve observed that he doesn’t seem particularly interested, so I’d ask — what does interest look like for you? To truly know someone requires curiosity and interest. Do you feel you’re curious about him or do you wait for him to take the initiative? What would it be like for you to take the lead in showing curiosity, steering conversations towards learning more about him? What would it be like for you to take the lead in conversations instead of waiting?

It might also be helpful to clarify expectations. Sometimes, mismatched expectations about communication — especially in the beginning — can lead to worry. It’s okay to gently express your needs by saying something like: “I’m really enjoying our conversations, but I’d love to hear more about you. It helps me feel closer and get to know you better.”

This kind of openness invites balance without sounding like a complaint.

I encourage you to try some of these approaches and see if anything shifts. If it does, that’s great. If it doesn’t, take it as valuable feedback for yourself about this dynamic.

You’ve expressed a desire to build a strong foundation for the future, and while it’s important to learn about likes and dislikes, relationships require much more.

To start with an understanding of yourself. First understanding what your own non-negotiable needs and values are while having alignment on critical areas such as religion, children, and what a fulfilling life looks like for both of you.

Remember, this stage is about discovery. It’s okay if things feel uneven initially — your role right now is to explore whether you’re truly compatible. Healthy relationships should feel like partnerships, where both people contribute to creating trust and understanding.

You’re doing the right thing by noticing this and addressing this early — this reflects your care and thoughtfulness in approaching such an important decision. Trust yourself and your instincts; Most often our intuitions and bodies know the answers way before our mind does.

— Haya

Haya Malik is a psychotherapist, Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) practitioner, corporate well-being strategist and trainer with expertise in creating organisational cultures focused on well-being and raising awareness around mental health.

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Send her your questions to [email protected]

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